It’s The Law - Coronado Eagle & Journal | Coronado News | Coronado Island News: Opinion

It’s The Law

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Posted: Friday, January 17, 2014 9:22 am

A commentary by J. F. Kelly, Jr.

The first day of the year is generally associated with hangovers, football bowl games and New Year’s resolutions. It’s also a day when new laws typically take effect. Obamacare, of course, is this year’s whopper but there are some others to beware of also. The following are some of the newest examples of the legislative art as practiced in Sacramento. Be warned.

Owners of homes more than 20 years old who do major remodeling must now install those low-flow toilets designed to conserve water which must be flushed at least six times to accomplish the intended purpose. They must also install those water-saving shower heads which are incapable of removing soapsuds from the human body in less than six minutes. Don’t try to circumvent this law. The plumbing police are everywhere.

If you purchase a mattress, you must now pay a fee to recycle your old one. No longer will you be permitted to just tie it to the roof of your car with string so that it will magically disappear while driving on the freeway at 70 mph.

Motorists are now required to pass bicyclists no closer than three feet. Thirty-five inches and you’ve broken the law. This law won’t be enforced until September which will allow ample time for motorists to install electronic measuring devices on the right side of their vehicles. A cheaper, do-it-yourself solution would be to fasten a yardstick to your right side-view mirror.

School districts must now establish policies to permit transgender students to use the restrooms and locker facilities of their choosing. What fun for them! It doesn’t seem fair to the rest of us, though. Why not just have unisex restrooms and eliminate any chance of discrimination. Get rid of the urinals or plant flowers in them and make everyone use those low-flow toilets. Leave the toilet seats up on even days and down on odd days. Let’s all cooperate, folks, to stamp out discrimination in restrooms.

Employees in outdoor occupations must now be guaranteed paid recovery periods to cool down from the heat. But how about those who labor in the cold? Shouldn’t they get paid warming-up periods? This law must have been crafted by global warming activists. Seems discriminatory to me.

Those who buy rifles must now pass a written safety test. Suggested sample question: What happens if the gun is loaded and you pull the trigger? And you had better think twice before using that rifle to shoot a mountain lion. Authorities must now use non-lethal methods to trap a mountain lion unless it poses an immediate threat to humans. Among the acceptable non-lethal methods, I assume, is friendly persuasion.( Here, kitty!) Does an “immediate threat” exist when the animal is crouching, preparing to pounce on a human or must the animal be fully airborne, claws extended? (Just asking.)

Illegal immigrants may now be eligible to obtain drivers licenses. Additionally, if they are suspected of having committed minor crimes they may no longer be turned over to federal authorities for deportation. Employers can be fined up to $10,000 and lose their business licenses if they report or threaten to report the non-legal status of a worker who files a complaint over unsafe conditions or sexual harassment. Finally, undocumented persons may now be permitted to practice law under certain conditions. Let’s see if I have all that right. Those who have broken the law and continue to be in violation of the law can now practice the law. Moreover, they are protected from the consequences of having broken the law when they report others who may have broken the law. Furthermore, they may now be granted privileges like licenses to drive.

If you are having difficulty understanding all these new laws, I suggest you hire an attorney who is an illegal immigrant. He’ll be happy to explain them all and advise you of any remaining rights you may have as a citizen. Is this a wonderful state, or what?

Only in California.

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